Big Person

Natalie's family has decided to move.  This is typical of them, and I should have been emotionally prepared for it, but I wasn't.  Upon hearing the news from the uncle, I gave a real professional front.  Inside, I knew I was about to lose someone very important to me and I had a sudden urge to tantrum, as if I was her peer. Natalie and I have a very special relationship, as I have menitoned in a previous entry.  I may have provided her a safe place to be herself and understood as a confused 4 year old, but she has given so much to me.  Her spirit, humor and emotional honesty fills me up.  There is something unspoken that connects the two of us and has afforded us a number of exceptionally tender moments.  It is relationships like these that feel like an official endorsement made by the universe: "Yep, you found it. This is your calling, and thank you for answering it". 

Her final session couldn't have been scripted more beautifully, therefore, I figured it should be written. She showed up in her usual mixed up garb. This day it included a dressy, wide brimmed, spring hat - garnished with plenty of flowers, an army green bomber jacket and pink velour track suit pants.  We took the hike up the stairs (the ones she chooses every session over the elevator, while insisting she "hates" these stairs) for the last time and headed to the office.  She immediately honed in on the pink frosted cupcake and card I had waiting for her: "You really put stickers in here for me?" (spoken in a tone attempting to sound jaded). She requested to paint (something we did often in her sessions) and we went into our routine, "I det da wata and you det da TIG paypa!" And as she stated, she filled cups with water and I set up the big sheets of paper to paint on.  She commanded specific colors, naming where they should go and I followed her lead.  She then decided to paint a picture of the two of us.  Yes, it always feels good when a client wants to do this, but it was particulary intruguing in this case since Natalie has never painted anything deliberate. She typically likes to just go through the motions of scribbling paint to paper and sharing the activity with another.  Natalie started with an overly wet brush with paint on it and named the sprinkles that dripped on the paper "raindrops".  She then drew a figure that took up most of the page. She was emphatic with her movement up and down: "Dis is you. Cuz you awe a big big puwsun wid a big big head and a big big eyes and a big big nose".  She then painted a smaller figure next to the big figure's head: "Dis is me, cuz I'm a diddle puwson." At the last minute she drew one more figure at the bottom, naming it her uncle.  She finished in time before the alarm went off...
Then it sounded. Marking the end of our final session.
We both stared at each other. Neither wanting to make a move.
Neither wanted to say goodbye.
But one of us was the big person.
That put me in charge of containing her anger as she began hitting herself, dumping toys and throwing sand. Additionally, I was working to contain myself at the same time as I had the urge to join her (wouldn't it be great if we could both be "bad"?). It took surprisingly little effort to help her to deescalate.

We gathered up her things, took the elevator down and had a great big goodbye hug. Hopefully, she is left with a corrective experience. I am left with a broken heart.