I'm really sad right now for one of my clients and can't get him out of my head. He's 15 and I've been treating him and his family for about a year and a half. Tommy (we'll call him) wears many hats- none as important as his dream to be in the Air Force. He has been preparing for this through his specialized high school and every move he makes he considers a mark either for or against his chances of getting in.
Tommy decided this week to deal, head on, with the reason he was initially referred to my agency. Tommy's ticket in was sexual trauma inflicted by another student, his age. Someone he believed was his friend. He reported the incident, pressed charges and began treatment soon after. He has yet to discuss in therapy what happened with this boy. Instead, three years following the incident, he chose to deal with it on his own. He reported to me this week that he's been reflecting a great deal on what actually happened. Tommy is going to be confirmed by his church this weekend and has therefore been doing a great deal of reflecting on a lot of things. This contemplation led to reaching out to this boy for, what he reports, was closure. He lied to Mom to get out of the house and he met up with him. Then he shared a great deal with me, including:
-his (former) curiosity about his sexuality
-his belief that he is partially responsible for what happened to him
-the guilt he has been carrying around about pressing charges due to the aforementioned belief
-the shame he holds regarding his lack of understanding about his curiosity
-his realization about how he's been coping with all of this including "drinking more than a kid my age should" and his tendency to overeat since he was victimized.
-his need to "convince" his mother that meeting up with him again was a means to get closure, not for further experimentation.
Tommy is tangled in the confusion that is common for victims of sexual abuse- "Was this my fault?" He believes that due to his genuine curiosity, that he is brave enough to own, he must have asked for it. It is my belief that Tommy was taken advantage of based on an expression of curiosity. The utter psychic chaos that results in the pairing of these two delicate matters is nothing less than a mind-fuck.
His need to protest any leftover sexual curiosity is naturally a red flag. It also makes perfect sense. Is there a more homophobic culture than the military? I don't envy the road he has ahead of him in terms of negotiating his dedication to serving in the Air Force and his (more than likely) blossoming inquisitiveness regarding same sex relations. I do, however, look forward to the opportunity to support his continued self-awareness and maturity.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Shattered Image
Remember Nikki? Check mid February for her background.
The part I want to highlight is my admiration and adoration for her. As lovely as she presents in our sessions, I know she can be difficult. She plays "tough girl with an attitude" throughout most of her life. With me, one to one, she is a mush. She is vulnerable, curious, honest and has never hesitated to show me her huge heart. This typically comes in the package of discussing various people in her family. Aside from the brother who has become her militant guardian, every cousin, grandparent, niece, 1/2 sister, and "titi" is spoken of with great love and devotion. As alligned with her as I have always been, there's a bit of a heart-swelling that happens for me when she speaks about her family. It reminds me that she really is going to be okay.
With Nikki's presentation, comes certain responsibilities of the image. These parts of her image cost money- money that is in no way alloted for with her brother- mr. bare essentials. Often times Grandpa gives her money and I hear about her godfather picking up some slack too. Nikki wants sneakers, sweaters, hair doo-dads, a cell phone, and please don't forget the Proactiv! Y'no, girl stuff. She talks about her material needs incessantly and obsesses over where she is going to find the funds for her latest must-have. She mentioned being at "The Grampies"- and how Grandma always has money laying all over the place:
"She wouldn't even notice if it was gone...do you know what I could get with that $50? But then I realized...naaah, I couldn't do that...it's Grandma."
Nikki shared this inner dialogue with me more than once and I naturally supported her ability to resist such temptations and discussed what it means to have a conscience. But then, she couldn't resist.
She charges into my office showing off her new Sidekick (phone), claiming that she used "her own money" for it. I acknowledged this accomplishment. About 10 minutes into the session, she lost control and disclosed. With guilt on her face and an inability to look at me, she slowly spilled her guts. She took $100 from Grandma, used it to buy the phone and a few other items. She projected all of her guilt onto me, claiming I was "making her feel bad" as I sat silent, blank-faced and listened. I commented on how important these items must be to her that she made this choice and asked her to tap into how she felt about it now.
Rookie mistake.
She, naturally, defended against any feelings of regret and continued to justify her behavior. Nikki had some inner conflict about it, but evil was definitely winning this one. She began her new list of material necessities and I worked with her to strategize another way to deal with these needs. I knew she wasn't with me, but my head was so filled with disappointment, I felt clinically lost.
The following week she raised a discussion about selling boxed candy to raise some funds. I commented on her constructive plan to make her own money. She heard my subtext loud and clear- glaring at me momentarily and then quickly changing subjects. This week she came to session with new sneakers in hand. She plopped down, slipped them on and strutted as if in a fashion show. The subject of how she acquired the new sneakers came up and she dodged it. I made her aware that I was aware of that move. She was aware that I was aware, and managed to keep her face hidden until she moved topics.
I'm sick about this. I'm sick about her choices. I'm sick that I don't know how to guide her. I'm sick with judgment for this little girl. Her guilt is too thick to be able to explore her motivation or feelings about these choices. My judgment is too obvious to poke around in her guilt. She feels entitled to this money and these goods- and I don't have a clue as to how to tease that out.
That is all, for now.
The part I want to highlight is my admiration and adoration for her. As lovely as she presents in our sessions, I know she can be difficult. She plays "tough girl with an attitude" throughout most of her life. With me, one to one, she is a mush. She is vulnerable, curious, honest and has never hesitated to show me her huge heart. This typically comes in the package of discussing various people in her family. Aside from the brother who has become her militant guardian, every cousin, grandparent, niece, 1/2 sister, and "titi" is spoken of with great love and devotion. As alligned with her as I have always been, there's a bit of a heart-swelling that happens for me when she speaks about her family. It reminds me that she really is going to be okay.
With Nikki's presentation, comes certain responsibilities of the image. These parts of her image cost money- money that is in no way alloted for with her brother- mr. bare essentials. Often times Grandpa gives her money and I hear about her godfather picking up some slack too. Nikki wants sneakers, sweaters, hair doo-dads, a cell phone, and please don't forget the Proactiv! Y'no, girl stuff. She talks about her material needs incessantly and obsesses over where she is going to find the funds for her latest must-have. She mentioned being at "The Grampies"- and how Grandma always has money laying all over the place:
"She wouldn't even notice if it was gone...do you know what I could get with that $50? But then I realized...naaah, I couldn't do that...it's Grandma."
Nikki shared this inner dialogue with me more than once and I naturally supported her ability to resist such temptations and discussed what it means to have a conscience. But then, she couldn't resist.
She charges into my office showing off her new Sidekick (phone), claiming that she used "her own money" for it. I acknowledged this accomplishment. About 10 minutes into the session, she lost control and disclosed. With guilt on her face and an inability to look at me, she slowly spilled her guts. She took $100 from Grandma, used it to buy the phone and a few other items. She projected all of her guilt onto me, claiming I was "making her feel bad" as I sat silent, blank-faced and listened. I commented on how important these items must be to her that she made this choice and asked her to tap into how she felt about it now.
Rookie mistake.
She, naturally, defended against any feelings of regret and continued to justify her behavior. Nikki had some inner conflict about it, but evil was definitely winning this one. She began her new list of material necessities and I worked with her to strategize another way to deal with these needs. I knew she wasn't with me, but my head was so filled with disappointment, I felt clinically lost.
The following week she raised a discussion about selling boxed candy to raise some funds. I commented on her constructive plan to make her own money. She heard my subtext loud and clear- glaring at me momentarily and then quickly changing subjects. This week she came to session with new sneakers in hand. She plopped down, slipped them on and strutted as if in a fashion show. The subject of how she acquired the new sneakers came up and she dodged it. I made her aware that I was aware of that move. She was aware that I was aware, and managed to keep her face hidden until she moved topics.
I'm sick about this. I'm sick about her choices. I'm sick that I don't know how to guide her. I'm sick with judgment for this little girl. Her guilt is too thick to be able to explore her motivation or feelings about these choices. My judgment is too obvious to poke around in her guilt. She feels entitled to this money and these goods- and I don't have a clue as to how to tease that out.
That is all, for now.
Monday, May 3, 2010
A Weird One.
I see this precocious and delicious 5 year old - she's been in treatment for about a year. I've watched her grow and change in meaningful yet unexplainable ways. We have a great relationship and her treatment has always been relatively smooth. The reason I have to write about her is because of the one aspect of our sessions that is unique to us.
Snacks.
Mom brings her to her appointment straight after school and picks up a snack for her on the way. Her snack choices rarely have a repeat and they vary on the nutrition spectrum from one extreme to the other. Examples? Yogurt covered pretzles, fruit flavored mentos, sour punch straws, a green apple, and today- Combos (the pretzel/cheese ones, if you must know). Most of these items, are not snacks I would choose for myself. But here goes the weird part: whatever she is eating, I instantly crave. There is something about the way this child manipulates her food, the sound of it in her mouth, or the project she creates in the process of consuming it that makes the item a must-have for me. And I don't mean in the moment that I am witnessing the consumption, I mean the experience gets in me and stays there so the next time I pass those stupid sour straws and feel absolutely compelled to buy them and eat them...all week!
Input anyone?
Ideas?
That's all for now. I have a bag of Combos to get to...
Snacks.
Mom brings her to her appointment straight after school and picks up a snack for her on the way. Her snack choices rarely have a repeat and they vary on the nutrition spectrum from one extreme to the other. Examples? Yogurt covered pretzles, fruit flavored mentos, sour punch straws, a green apple, and today- Combos (the pretzel/cheese ones, if you must know). Most of these items, are not snacks I would choose for myself. But here goes the weird part: whatever she is eating, I instantly crave. There is something about the way this child manipulates her food, the sound of it in her mouth, or the project she creates in the process of consuming it that makes the item a must-have for me. And I don't mean in the moment that I am witnessing the consumption, I mean the experience gets in me and stays there so the next time I pass those stupid sour straws and feel absolutely compelled to buy them and eat them...all week!
Input anyone?
Ideas?
That's all for now. I have a bag of Combos to get to...
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