Shattered Image

Remember Nikki? Check mid February for her background.
The part I want to highlight is my admiration and adoration for her. As lovely as she presents in our sessions, I know she can be difficult. She plays "tough girl with an attitude" throughout most of her life.  With me, one to one, she is a mush.  She is vulnerable, curious, honest and has never hesitated to show me her huge heart.  This typically comes in the package of discussing various people in her family.  Aside from the brother who has become her militant guardian, every cousin, grandparent, niece, 1/2 sister, and "titi" is spoken of with great love and devotion.  As alligned with her as I have always been, there's a bit of a heart-swelling that happens for me when she speaks about her family.  It reminds me that she really is going to be okay.

With Nikki's presentation, comes certain responsibilities of the image.  These parts of her image cost money- money that is in no way alloted for with her brother- mr. bare essentials.  Often times Grandpa gives her money and I hear about her godfather picking up some slack too.  Nikki wants sneakers, sweaters, hair doo-dads, a cell phone, and please don't forget the Proactiv! Y'no, girl stuff. She talks about her material needs incessantly and obsesses over where she is going to find the funds for her latest must-have.  She mentioned being at "The Grampies"- and how Grandma always has money laying all over the place:

"She wouldn't even notice if it was gone...do you know what I could get with that $50? But then I realized...naaah, I couldn't do that...it's Grandma."

Nikki shared this inner dialogue with me more than once and I naturally supported her ability to resist such temptations and discussed what it means to have a conscience.  But then, she couldn't resist.

She charges into my office showing off her new Sidekick (phone), claiming that she used "her own money" for it. I acknowledged this accomplishment. About 10 minutes into the session, she lost control and disclosed. With guilt on her face and an inability to look at me, she slowly spilled her guts. She took $100 from Grandma, used it to buy the phone and a few other items. She projected all of her guilt onto me, claiming I was "making her feel bad" as I sat silent, blank-faced and listened. I commented on how important these items must be to her that she made this choice and asked her to tap into how she felt about it now.
Rookie mistake.
She, naturally, defended against any feelings of regret and continued to justify her behavior. Nikki had some inner conflict about it, but evil was definitely winning this one. She began her new list of material necessities and I worked with her to strategize another way to deal with these needs. I knew she wasn't with me, but  my head was so filled with disappointment, I felt clinically lost.

The following week she raised a discussion about selling boxed candy to raise some funds.  I commented on her constructive plan to make her own money. She heard my subtext loud and clear- glaring at me momentarily and then quickly changing subjects.  This week she came to session with new sneakers in hand. She plopped down, slipped them on and strutted as if in a fashion show.  The subject of how she acquired the new sneakers came up and she dodged it.  I made her aware that I was aware of that move. She was aware that I was aware, and managed to keep her face hidden until she moved topics. 

I'm sick about this. I'm sick about her choices. I'm sick that I don't know how to guide her. I'm sick with judgment for this little girl.  Her guilt is too thick to be able to explore her motivation or feelings about these choices.  My judgment is too obvious to poke around in her guilt.  She feels entitled to this money and these goods- and I don't have a clue as to how to tease that out.

That is all, for now.