Caught.

Yeah, yeah...6 months...I'm back...blah, blah, blah....

I have some big life stuff to sort out and I am having real trouble with it.  Maybe going back to a free form writing space will help? Couldn't hurt.
I decided in the spring, I am ready to be near my family again.  My affair with NYC is just about over and I want to leave while the break-up is still amicable. Since then, I have acquired my California Board of Behavioral Sciences registration and appliled to upwards of 60 positions.  I meditate, recite affirmations, maintain support from loved ones, and continue to apply. I construct well thought out cover letters, I follow up, I re-apply, and in moments of frustration I return to the aforementioned spiritual work. It's been six months of this. I figured this is where I have to dig deep for the inner strength to keep my spirits up and the applications flowing. I remind myself that my job is out there and I just need to exercise a new level of patience until it reveals itself. 
But then I had another thought. The one where I think less about going to LA and more about leaving my life here.  And then I think less about my life and more about my clients and my stomach turns.  I get a pit so deep I push away the thought and tell myself I don't have to worry about it yet.

I'm starting to realize that my typical make-it-happen-no-matter-what drive has been stunted.  My relationships with my clients has become of overgrown importance in my life. It is my #1 fault as a clinician (and one I could have predicted)  because of how connected and identified I am with them.  Sometimes I feel ashamed and weak about this aspect of myself professionally, but most times I take pride in having such strong therapeutic relationships.  Now, I feel part silly and a lot sick about it.  It has occurred to me that these relationships fill me up in a way akin to how family or a partnership fills me up.  My current core group of clients are all people I have been seeing long term and I have a rhythm with them.  There are ups and downs, misunderstands and reconnecting and above all...reliability, on both of our parts. 

For those that don't know, the novel Catcher in the Rye was life changing for me.  Following my first read of that book, I have wanted to be the catcher in the rye that Holden describes (for those of you unfamiliar- Holden describes a big field of rye where a bunch of kids are playing.  The field is on a cliff and he is in charge of making sure none of the kids fall off. Of course, this description doesn't due Salinger's writing any justice and if you don't know what I'm talking about, you really should read this classic for yourself).  Twenty one years later, I thought I had achieved something analogous to this dream with my social work career. But I feel so confused now that I am the one who is caught. I am not trying to further draw out this metaphor to my own situation, but "caught" is the only way I can think to describe how I feel in these relationships.  I feel like I have been disarmed in my attempt to move forward in my life after working so hard with these clients. It's the ultimate form of getting in my own way, as the disarmament was self-induced. My new clincal puzzle is to find my way out. 

I think I'm outta gas for now...