DADT

I'm really sad right now for one of my clients and can't get him out of my head.  He's 15 and I've been treating him and his family for about a year and a half.  Tommy (we'll call him) wears many hats- none as important as his dream to be in the Air Force. He has been preparing for this through his specialized high school and every move he makes he considers a mark either for or against his chances of getting in.

Tommy decided this week to deal, head on, with the reason he was initially referred to my agency.  Tommy's ticket in was sexual trauma inflicted by another student, his age. Someone he believed was his friend.  He reported the incident, pressed charges and began treatment soon after.  He has yet to discuss in therapy what happened with this boy.  Instead, three years following the incident, he chose to deal with it on his own.  He reported to me this week that he's been reflecting a great deal on what actually happened.  Tommy is going to be confirmed by his church this weekend and has therefore been doing a great deal of reflecting on a lot of things.  This contemplation led to reaching out to this boy for, what he reports, was closure. He lied to Mom to get out of the house and he met up with him. Then he shared a great deal with me, including:
-his (former) curiosity about his sexuality
-his belief that he is partially responsible for what happened to him
-the guilt he has been carrying around about pressing charges due to the aforementioned belief
-the shame he holds regarding his lack of understanding about his curiosity
-his realization about how he's been coping with all of this including "drinking more than a kid my age should" and his tendency to overeat since he was victimized. 
-his need to "convince" his mother that meeting up with him again was a means to get closure, not for further experimentation.   

Tommy is tangled in the confusion that is common for victims of sexual abuse- "Was this my fault?" He believes that due to his genuine curiosity, that he is brave enough to own, he must have asked for it. It is my belief that Tommy was taken advantage of based on an expression of curiosity.  The utter psychic chaos that results in the pairing of these two delicate matters is nothing less than a mind-fuck.
His need to protest any leftover sexual curiosity is naturally a red flag.  It also makes perfect sense. Is there a more homophobic culture than the military? I don't envy the road he has ahead of him in terms of negotiating his dedication to serving in the Air Force and his (more than likely) blossoming inquisitiveness regarding same sex relations. I do, however, look forward to the opportunity to support his continued self-awareness and maturity.