A Different Side of Difficult.

I have been seeing a married couple for approximately a year. Sara and Joseph are smart, self-reflective, artistic, honest and a healthy split of emotional and rational. They lean more towards the latter and I work to dig into the former. They are raising 3 teenage girls- one of their own and 2 neices that they took full custody of early in the girls' lives. They have both shown time and again what solid parenting they bring to the table.  I have heard when they work as a team and when they lean on each other to take the lead.  The complexities of raising these girls takes a toll on their relationship and is, in part, the reason they sought therapy. 

We've had a solid therapeutic relationship- everyone in the room works hard in each session. I feel I am able to understand and reflect each of their positions in a way that they (hopefully) hear each other with more clarity.  Obviously, part of the complication of seeing a couple is staying unbiased to either side.  With this couple,  I have had little trouble remaining in that position. In the past year, things have become increasingly more difficult with one of the girls (Phoebe).  She is angry about being abandoned by her parents, but as a 14yo is not in touch with that fact. That kind of sadness and anger shows up in outward defiance, belligerence and blatant disrespect to the very people that have offered her the privileged life she has today. 

Sara seems to have a better understanding of where Phoebe's anger comes from and how to manage her behavior.  Joseph takes it as a personal affront and lashes out at her, escalating the power struggle to an uncontrollable level.  I have only recently heard the shocking report that Joseph is guilty of hitting her. Twice.  I probably don't have to state how troubling this is to me.  I believe in these clients and they are the ones I am treating.  I hear Joseph's frustrations with Phoebe and his own history of abuse, which allows me to feel empathy for him and comprehend the reason for his actions.  But first and foremost, I am a social worker and a child advocate.  I have not heard remorse on his part and he has been unable to "promise" it wouldn't happen again.  I have been sitting with how to address his actions for the past few weeks.  There have been talks about seeking individual treatment, and threats from Sara about asking him to leave the home if it were to happen again. 

It came to a head in our last session. He addressed the fact that Sara's trust for him with Phoebe has diminished. He expressed hurt and anger over this.  Sara did not back down and maintained that "the family could not afford to have this happen again".  His defense slid into a justification of his actions and a request for her to acknowledge all the times he had not hit her.  My heart rate kicked up and I knew it was time.  The moment that I dread in this profession.  I had to risk a rupture in our relationship.  I had to speak up against my client in an attempt to educate him, but in a moment that he was already very hurt and angry and he would most likely not hear the message immediately.  I told Joseph that not being hit is a basic right for children and that there is no reward for not hitting.  I reminded him how traumatic it is to be hit as a child (as he directly knows) and that the dynamic between him and Phoebe is dangerous for both of them. 

Several minutes passed and he didn't say anything.
He appeared incredibly injured. 
I offered the opportunity to express any feelings he had towards what I had said.

He didn't do that.
With his toxic, seething anger still in full force - he turned on himself.
It killed me to see the shift into self-deprecation, but I was pretty sure what I had said made a direct hit.
Maybe not a move forward, but movement nonetheless. 

Now we let the session marinade.
And I need a drink.